Then this biography maybe of help to you. I know it certainly increased my knowledge and understanding of this interesting and challenging “way of living.”
Asperger’s syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. Physical clumsiness and a typical use of language are frequently reported. The exact cause is unknown although research supports the likelihood of a genetic basis. There is no single treatment for improving symptoms and function.
This particular biography is funny, pioniant and heartbreaking all at the same time. It is a story of struggle and resiliency. Here’s a sample:
Everyone thought they understood my behavior. They thought it was simple: I was just no good.
“Nobody trusts a man who won’t look them in the eye.”
“You look like a criminal.”
“You’re up to something. I know it!”
Most of the time, I wasn’t. I didn’t know why they were getting agitated. I didn’t even understand what looking someone in the eye meant. And yet I felt ashamed, because people expected me to do it and I knew it, and yet I didn’t. So what was wrong with me?
“Sociopath” and “psycho” were two of the most common field diagnoses for my look and expression. I heard it all the time: “I’ve read about people like you. They have no expression because they have no feeling. Some of the worst murderers in history were sociopaths.”
I came to believe what people said about me, because so many said the same thing, and the realization that I was defective hurt. I became shyer, more withdrawn. I began to read about deviant personalities and wonder if I would one day “go bad.” Would I grow up to be a killer? I had read that they were shifty and didn’t look people in the eyes.
I pondered it endlessly. I didn’t attack people. I didn’t start fires. I didn’t torture animals. I had no desire to kill anyone. Yet. Maybe that would come later, though. I spent a lot of time wondering whether I would end up in prison. I read about them and determined that the federal ones were nicer. If I were ever incarcerated, I hoped for a medium-security federal prison, not a vicious state prison like Attica.
I was well into my teenage years before I figured out that I wasn’t a killer, or worse. By then, I knew I wasn’t being shifty or evasive when I failed to meet someone’s gaze, and I had started to wonder why so many adults equated that behavior with shiftiness and evasiveness. Also, by then I had met shifty and scummy people who did look me in the eye, making me think the people who complained about me were hypocrites.
To this day, when I speak, I find visual input to be distracting. When I was younger, if I saw something interesting I might begin to watch it and stop speaking entirely. As a grown-up, I don’t usually come to a complete stop, but I may still pause if something catches my eye. That’s why I usually look somewhere neutral – at the ground or off into the distance—when I ‘m talking to someone. Because speaking while watching things has always been difficult for me, learning to drive a car and talk at the same time was a tough one, but I mastered it.
And now I know it is perfectly natural for me not to look at someone when I talk. Those of us with Asperger’s are just not comfortable doing it. In fact, I don’t really understand why it’s considered normal to stare at someone’s eyeballs.
It was a great relief to finally understand why I don’t look people in the eye. If I had known this when I was younger, I might have been spared a lot of hurt.
The author, John Robinson, lives with his wife and son in Amherst, Mass. His company, J.E. Robinson Service Company, repairs and restores fine European automobiles.
Out of 5 stars, I give “Look Me In The Eye” a 4.
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