I am not sure how fair it is to compare books and authors. But in this case, fair or not, I feel I need to.
“Resilience” is the late Elizabeth Edward’s reflections on the losses she endured in her life, of which she had her share.
“Let’s Take The Long Way Home” is Pulitzer Prize winning author and critic Gail Caldwell’s memoir on the loss of her dearest friend.
Both authors wrote poignantly about death, grief and moving on. So, I believe I should let them speak for themselves then we will reflect for a bit on what they had to say.
DEATH
Caldwell – “It’s an old, old, story: I had a friend and we shared everything, and then she died and so we shared that, too.” (p.3)
Caldwell – “Caroline died in early June of 2002, when she was 42, 7 weeks after she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer.”
Caldwell – “I remember walking down the street, a bright April street glimmering with life, and saying aloud to myself, with a sort of shocked innocence: ‘You really thought you were going to get away with it? By which I meant that I might someday sidestep the cruelty of an intolerable loss.” (p.12)
Caldwell – “Suffering is what changes the end game, changes death’s mantle from black to white. It is a badly lit corridor outside of time, a place of crushing weariness, the only thing large enough to bully you into holding the door for death.” (p.143)
Caldwell – “The body, brilliant machine, knows how and when to close up shop.” (p.145)
Edwards – “Wade, firstborn, died on April 4, 1996. An April wind crossed the tobacco fields of eastern North Carolina and pushed the car of which he was so very proud off the road. He was 16 and maybe it would not have mattered how old he was but he did not know how to get back on the road without flipping it. So it flipped. And flipped, and flipped, until all of the life was pressed from him, and from me.” (p.18)
Edwards – “Let’s start with the unavoidable fact: If I had special knowledge about how to avoid adversities, about how to spot them, I would avoid them, and I would share how it is I have managed that. I do not.” (p.37)
Reflection: both authors clearly understand both the inevitability and the mystery surrounding death. Difference? Caldwell believes her friend lives on in her memory only. Edwards believed and placed her hope in an eternity that will reunite her with her son. His death contributed to a new understanding of God and His grace was not always easy to find. But hope sustained her when she craved his touch, and the sound of his voice. Hope. That’s the difference. Caldwell finds hope in activities (walking her dog and rowing) and memories. Edwards finds hope in activities and more: God
GRIEF
No two persons grieve in the same way. We know that. These two women are no exception.
Caldwell – “Grief is what tells you who you are alone”. (p.3)
Caldwell – “(Grief) is the spectrum of sorrow that changes even the color of trees . . . “
Caldwell – “(I am) an introvert with a Texan’s affability . . . well-intentioned but weak on follow-through . . .” (p.18)
Caldwell – Its’ taken me years to understand that dying doesn’t end the story; it transforms it, edits, rewrites, the blur and epiphany of one-way dialogue. Most of us wonder in and out of one another’s lives until not death, but distance, does us part-time and space and the heart’s weariness are the blander executioners of human connection.” (p.123)
Caldwell – “(Grief) is the dark side of joy.” (p.124)
Edwards – “How easily could God, if He so willed, set back the world a little turn or two. Correct its grief’s, and bring its joys again. That’s all I wanted. A little turn or two, and Wade is alive . . . “ (p.30)
Edwards – “Part of becoming functioning again was accepting what I could not do . . . I could not bring him back and I could not let him go, which is what people who cared about me wanted.” (p.79)
REFLECTION
Caldwell may have worked her way through the stages of grief. In fact, she probably did with her therapist. But she makes no reference to grief other than moments when she is reminded of her friend’s life and death and it is very hard. Edwards, on the other hand, is quite public about her journey through the stages (note the above quotes.) And she joins a grieving community, albeit an on-line group. But it is a community none–the-less. She admits she would not have known what to do without her “grieving friends”. Introverts like Caldwell grieve one way, extroverts like Edwards grieve another. But both worked at it. I suspect Caldwell still does. Edwards’ grief is over. She is resting from it.
MOVING ON (Coping?)
Both Caldwell and Edwards agree that after a loss such as this, life doesn’t go back to normal.
Caldwell – “I know now that I was staggering toward the terrain of the other side of loss. Accepting a death sentence is like falling down a flight of stairs in slow motion. You take it in one bruise at a time – a blow, a landing, another short descent.” (p.144)
Caldwell – “I kept thinking of the phrase ‘requisite mystery’, as though that could capture my necessary position in the universe now, poised on the line between knowing and not knowing, between what seemed to me the arrogance of religious certainty and the despair of a godless world.” (p.147)
Caldwell – “Writing will buy me three or four hours in a relatively pain-free zone.” (p.147)
DEATH
Caldwell – “It’s an old, old, story: I had a friend and we shared everything, and then she died and so we shared that, too.” (p.3)
Caldwell – “Caroline died in early June of 2002, when she was 42, 7 weeks after she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer.”
Caldwell – “I remember walking down the street, a bright April street glimmering with life, and saying aloud to myself, with a sort of shocked innocence: ‘You really thought you were going to get away with it? By which I meant that I might someday sidestep the cruelty of an intolerable loss.” (p.12)
Caldwell – “Suffering is what changes the end game, changes death’s mantle from black to white. It is a badly lit corridor outside of time, a place of crushing weariness, the only thing large enough to bully you into holding the door for death.” (p.143)
Caldwell – “The body, brilliant machine, knows how and when to close up shop.” (p.145)
Edwards – “Wade, firstborn, died on April 4, 1996. An April wind crossed the tobacco fields of eastern North Carolina and pushed the car of which he was so very proud off the road. He was 16 and maybe it would not have mattered how old he was but he did not know how to get back on the road without flipping it. So it flipped. And flipped, and flipped, until all of the life was pressed from him, and from me.” (p.18)
Edwards – “Let’s start with the unavoidable fact: If I had special knowledge about how to avoid adversities, about how to spot them, I would avoid them, and I would share how it is I have managed that. I do not.” (p.37)
Reflection: both authors clearly understand both the inevitability and the mystery surrounding death. Difference? Caldwell believes her friend lives on in her memory only. Edwards believed and placed her hope in an eternity that will reunite her with her son. His death contributed to a new understanding of God and His grace was not always easy to find. But hope sustained her when she craved his touch, and the sound of his voice. Hope. That’s the difference. Caldwell finds hope in activities (walking her dog and rowing) and memories. Edwards finds hope in activities and more: God
GRIEF
No two persons grieve in the same way. We know that. These two women are no exception.
Caldwell – “Grief is what tells you who you are alone”. (p.3)
Caldwell – “(Grief) is the spectrum of sorrow that changes even the color of trees . . . “
Caldwell – “(I am) an introvert with a Texan’s affability . . . well-intentioned but weak on follow-through . . .” (p.18)
Caldwell – Its’ taken me years to understand that dying doesn’t end the story; it transforms it, edits, rewrites, the blur and epiphany of one-way dialogue. Most of us wonder in and out of one another’s lives until not death, but distance, does us part-time and space and the heart’s weariness are the blander executioners of human connection.” (p.123)
Caldwell – “(Grief) is the dark side of joy.” (p.124)
Edwards – “How easily could God, if He so willed, set back the world a little turn or two. Correct its grief’s, and bring its joys again. That’s all I wanted. A little turn or two, and Wade is alive . . . “ (p.30)
Edwards – “Part of becoming functioning again was accepting what I could not do . . . I could not bring him back and I could not let him go, which is what people who cared about me wanted.” (p.79)
REFLECTION
Caldwell may have worked her way through the stages of grief. In fact, she probably did with her therapist. But she makes no reference to grief other than moments when she is reminded of her friend’s life and death and it is very hard. Edwards, on the other hand, is quite public about her journey through the stages (note the above quotes.) And she joins a grieving community, albeit an on-line group. But it is a community none–the-less. She admits she would not have known what to do without her “grieving friends”. Introverts like Caldwell grieve one way, extroverts like Edwards grieve another. But both worked at it. I suspect Caldwell still does. Edwards’ grief is over. She is resting from it.
MOVING ON (Coping?)
Both Caldwell and Edwards agree that after a loss such as this, life doesn’t go back to normal.
Caldwell – “I know now that I was staggering toward the terrain of the other side of loss. Accepting a death sentence is like falling down a flight of stairs in slow motion. You take it in one bruise at a time – a blow, a landing, another short descent.” (p.144)
Caldwell – “I kept thinking of the phrase ‘requisite mystery’, as though that could capture my necessary position in the universe now, poised on the line between knowing and not knowing, between what seemed to me the arrogance of religious certainty and the despair of a godless world.” (p.147)
Caldwell – “Writing will buy me three or four hours in a relatively pain-free zone.” (p.147)
Caldwell – “After Caroline died, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish before my life was over: write a book, go to Paris, find a great love, fit in as many days as I could. Oh, and find God, I said to a friend, the postscript that might change the world entire.” (p.182)
Edwards: “I was learning to walk and to breathe and to live without Wade. And what I was learning is that it was never going to be the life I had before.” (p. 80)
Edwards – “These communities –support, grief, Cendra Lynn’s griefnet.org, Tom Golden’s Web Healing – all functioned a little the same way.” (p.85)
Edwards - “I stopped being a lawyer. I never went back after the accident and I have never looked back at that decision with any regret.” (p.87)
Edwards- “I pressed my life, my hopes, into a dogwood tree at his elementary school, a scholarship in his name, a bench at his high school and finally a whole computer lab.” (p.88)
REFLECTION
I guess you could say that Edwards and Caldwell had completely different visions of what their lives should look like going forward after loss. Differing values I would suppose, different personalities for sure; but mostly value – driven decisions. This might be the place where Christian faith best informs our decisions. Loving God and neighbor works.
I am sure this is the only book reflection quite like this. I hope it was helpful to you. That’s how I try to move on after a loss. I read. I reflect. I share those reflections with others. Thanks Gail Caldwell for such beautiful prose. Thanks Elizabeth Edwards for an inspirational life. R.I.P.
Edwards: “I was learning to walk and to breathe and to live without Wade. And what I was learning is that it was never going to be the life I had before.” (p. 80)
Edwards – “These communities –support, grief, Cendra Lynn’s griefnet.org, Tom Golden’s Web Healing – all functioned a little the same way.” (p.85)
Edwards - “I stopped being a lawyer. I never went back after the accident and I have never looked back at that decision with any regret.” (p.87)
Edwards- “I pressed my life, my hopes, into a dogwood tree at his elementary school, a scholarship in his name, a bench at his high school and finally a whole computer lab.” (p.88)
REFLECTION
I guess you could say that Edwards and Caldwell had completely different visions of what their lives should look like going forward after loss. Differing values I would suppose, different personalities for sure; but mostly value – driven decisions. This might be the place where Christian faith best informs our decisions. Loving God and neighbor works.
I am sure this is the only book reflection quite like this. I hope it was helpful to you. That’s how I try to move on after a loss. I read. I reflect. I share those reflections with others. Thanks Gail Caldwell for such beautiful prose. Thanks Elizabeth Edwards for an inspirational life. R.I.P.
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